For those of you who have been reading my blog since it started at homeschoolblogger, you will know that I suffer from depression. I’ve written a bit about it here. I’ll be sharing more about it this year, as it is a real thing that I have to face every day, and I know there are many more mums like me who do too.

Depression started for me after the birth of my beautiful little girl, over 11 years ago. I just couldn’t understand why I was always crying and not able to stay on top of things. My dreams were always to get married, have a boy first, and then a girl. I had all of this - why wasn’t I happy? Even 11 years ago post natal depression wasn’t immediately recognized. Many people were telling me to just get myself together. My doctor said it was normal for a young mum to be overwhelmed. Thankfully my dear husband knew that I wasn’t myself and demanded answers. And so started the first round of tablets.

By the time I was pregnant with Matthew and after he was born, I had managed to get off my tablets and was doing “reasonably” well. I say “reasonably” because looking back, I still had many panic attacks and probably should have been on medication all the way through that. I was determined that I didn’t need to be, however, and stayed off tablets until…. we were in the Middle East.

Our first stint in the Middle East was wonderful, albeit it short! We had been working towards going there for years, and once we were there, we were so excited. However, by the end of dh’s one year contract, we were surrounded by chaos. Bombs had gone off around us, there were tanks and military guards everywhere, and most people were in a state of confusion. Embassies told their countrymen to go home, and to cut a long story short, we did.

This triggered my depression once again. The shock (we Aussies are not used to bombs going off around us), and the unexpected return to Australia was too much. This time I knew to go straight to the doctor, and while going on medication was not the only answer, it did help to stabilize me.

All this is just background to why I have depression. It runs in the family, so maybe even without these circumstances I would still have got depression. What I particularly want to talk about here, are the practical results of depression, which are different for everyone.

When I first got post natal depression, I had many kind, well meaning people try to give me advice. One lady who had herself experienced depression told me I had to go out more. This was the last thing I wanted to do! I got a panic attack just thinking about it! I could handle the familiar - going to the shops, visiting friends, but joining in new things and going out more? I think not!

My sister, who years later also had post natal depression after her second child, was like the lady above. She didn’t want to be home. She wanted to get out, be with people, … go shopping! LOL! I didn’t like going shopping at the best of times, so that certainly wasn’t going to help me!For me, when depression hits, I want to hide. In a corner with a book and some chocolate if possible!

My initial post natal depression was nothing compared to the depression that hit me the second time and that I still live with. There are days that I would just like to stay in bed.. but of course I can’t. Small things that I used to take for granted, are difficult for me. Seeing old friends. Going to functions. Even having people over. These can all push me over the edge.

Driving to places that aren’t familiar, freaks me out. Some familiar places too. I haven’t even managed the courage to drive to my parents’ place since I’ve been back, because I have to tackle the “big smoke”.

The strange thing about depression for me is that it affects the things I would normally have enjoyed. I used to beat myself up about it. Why can’t I just pick up the phone and call an old friend? Why can’t I just drive to places I used to easily go? Why can’t I be like I used to be…….?

I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned to let go. I’ve learned to accept that I may never be the person I was before I was diagnosed with depression. I’ve learned that sometimes I pretend too well, and that many people don’t even know that I suffer from depression. I’ve learned to be more open about it.

Do people judge me because of my depression? Yes, I suppose they do. Some judge me because they don’t know that I have depression. They think I have it all together, and suddenly, when the glue comes unstuck, they judge me because of that. Some people who should understand, still expect more of me than I can give. Others know my limits and accept me as I am. I don’t blame the ones who don’t, because no one can know exactly who I am and what I can cope with. It has taught me, however, not to take people for granted and expect too much of them. Because they in turn may be dealing with difficult things in their lives that cause them to react in the ways they do.

Through all of this, it is God who remains constant. He is the one person in my life who understands me completely. He knows what I can cope with and what I can’t. Sometimes He asks me to go out on a limb, like when I spoke at some ladies meetings last year. He gave me the strength to do something I couldn’t normally do. He understands when I can’t do things that I used to do with ease - like send out Christmas cards… or keep up with my emails! LOL! Simple things that can send me spiraling down into a black hole…. He is the one who is there with me and gives me the grace to keep on going.